Me

OK it's confession time. I have finally nailed down one of my biggest issues. Yes, I have issues and yes, this one is big. I have, after much contemplation, realized that I have great trouble being me. There is somewhere deep in this psyche of mine an intense desire to be someone else. No hero worship, no one person I aspire to be.
No, just a nagging sense of wanting what others have. Perhaps it is a form of covetousness, but it is not the things themselves that I wish for. I don't need a new pair of shoes and having a manicure is highly impractical for my everyday life. Yet when I see or hear of someone with some thing, I have this gnawing sense that I need it too.
You see it is the things that define who a person is, that sway me; she is the girl who always wears flowers in her hair, or the mum who always bakes for her family and so I covet the flowers, the recipes, the definition that comes from these things. In my quiet moments, my thoughts billow and threaten to engulf me; who am I?, what is it that I love?, how am I defined?
These are thoughts that I wrestle with each time I 'sit awhile', each time I meet with friends, shop,or read. So why are they there? Is it a deep seated sense of poverty rooted in a childhood of very little possessions but no lack of any necessities? Is it an insecurity in my spirit, not fully assured of my place before God? Is it double mindedness as the things that are attractive to me are often trivial, shiny, so very transient in their nature? Is it purely self indulgence or simply an inner wanting to be appreciated by everyone, or is that one and the same?
Sometimes I crave for it all to be stripped away. All that is familiar, all that is 'normal and routine' in this life He has given me. For it to be stripped back until all that is left is the me without pretence.
And what I wish to be...so far removed from what I see myself. A deep desire to be strong, resilient, focused, unique, Godly...and what I am, often weak,overwhelmed, apathetic, just like everyone else and worst of all 'nice', not Godly but nice.
Ah to throw of the shackles of 'nicety' and be brazenly Godly! To know with full assurance, not only that He loves me and accepts me though His Son, but to know what to say, to think, to choose, to do! For every minute, every decision, every choice! To not be shackled by 'shoulds' or 'ifs' but resting, rejoicing in certainties. To "know who is me?" or to know "who is I AM!"